Ayodele Moore and Noah Citrin, Hudson Valley Virtual Circle

Finding Respect Among Their Differences

by Bob and Roxanne Duniway

Eleven years ago, Ayodele and Noah met through a dating site. Noah had been divorced for 10 years and was fed up with these sites. He was just barely willing to try one last time.

Five minutes into their first date at a Japanese tea house, he was ready to marry Ayodele. She was into mystical practices, so he thought she must have put a spell on him. They left the tea house and strolled through Manhattan, bonding over architecture.

Another day, Noah picked Ayodele up in a nice car. He wanted to reassure himself that she wasn’t looking for a wealthy man, so he said, “Just because I have a BMW doesn’t mean I have a lot of money.” Ayodele was confused. “What’s a BMW?” she asked. And Noah went on hurtling toward their destiny.

Ayodele, on the other hand, wanted to take things slowly. It was a month or two before their first kiss. Noah showed her some diamonds, rubies and sapphires he used in making jewelry. They held no interest for her, but a moonstone did. Later, when Ayo was sick, Noah brought her something. She thought it would be soup. Instead, it was the moonstone, set into a ring he had made for her, inscribed with “I [heart] you.” Ayo felt this was meant to be, and Noah’s need for speed didn’t scare her. However, she maintained her slow pace.

Ayodele worked in the banking industry and is now a coach helping women get more pleasure from their lives. Noah has had a “curvy-road life.” He has been a gourmet cook, carpenter, and accomplished dressage equestrian. He’s been an entrepreneur in jewelry manufacturing, natural food manufacturing, and e-commerce.

The couple has many contrasts that could have been sources of conflict. Noah is Jewish, while Ayodele is Christian. Noah was born in Israel and did military service. Ayodele is a pacifist. They discovered that their love languages are different. Of all their contrasts, the most challenging by far have been their political differences.

Thankfully Ayodele had done a lot of transformational work. Noah asked her how she was able to resolve arguments the way she did. She suggested he do the Landmark Forum. Now they say, “When you transform who you are and your relationship, you bring that to everyone you talk to.” They’ve been able to bring transformation to their political differences. How the world occurs to each of them is different, but, as Ayo says, “His views don’t have to determine how I feel about him. They’re just views.”

Four years ago, Ayodele and Noah joined CCC, which has improved their communication by 90%. It creates a space for listening to each other without needing to do anything and without getting triggered. They don’t have a judgment of each other’s ways of being. Ayo says CCC is great for “keeping your house clean” within Couple. They acknowledge when they mess up.

One concrete result is that they overcame an annoyance that kept happening at the Walmart in the small upstate New York town where they now live. Noah would be upset if Ayodele left the cart in the middle of the aisle while shopping. Through CCC coaching and communication, now Ayo makes a game of a game of pushing the cart to the side when she leaves it, instead of [leaving it] in the center. Noah is “euphoric” about this shift.

They are a “completely open book.” Their coaching partners find their honesty and sincerity refreshing. Their kids, Ayo’s daughter and Noah’s two sons, see how they show up as a couple. Despite being extremely independent, Noah’s sons ask his advice because they see the transformation he’s experienced.

Lifelong learners, Ayo and Noah are still transforming. Noah experienced moments when he was ready to walk out but didn’t. He realized that his love for Ayo is greater than any problems that might show up. “It’s important to like each other. I like Ayodele. I want to be her in my next life, because she’s accomplished things I haven’t.”

Noah, who is 73, is still ready to marry Ayodele. Ayo is still taking it slowly. She considers Noah her husband but, at 78, she says, “I’m too young to get married.”

---

Bob and Roxanne Duniway are in the Seattle Circle.