Tending Our Fires

By Roxanne and Bob Duniway, Seattle Circle

We all have anecdotal evidence that Couples Coaching Couples is a game changer in keeping our relationships vital and renewed. Academic research into relationships and the psychology of romance is a burgeoning field. So let’s see how CCC matches up with practices that studies show lead to success in keeping the romantic spark burning long term.

First, some good news: keeping a romance smoldering over the long haul is not as rare as conventional wisdom might have you believe.

In a study of 274 randomly selected married individuals, many of whom were past the 10-year mark in their marriages, psychologist Daniel O’Leary and colleagues at Stonybrook University found that almost half of those surveyed reported being “very intensely in love” (O’Leary, 2012).

The reported factors in these relationships, which were most highly correlated to the “very intensely in love” response, were:

1) regular physical affection such as hugging, kissing, and cuddling (especially highly correlated for women at 64 percent),

2) thinking positive thoughts about one’s partner,

3) thinking about one’s partner when the couple is apart, and

4) jointly engaging in novel and challenging activities.

Of course, correlation does not prove causality.

It could be that feelings of intense love are driving couples to physical affection, causing them to think about each other frequently and positively, and inspiring them to engage in new and challenging activities together, rather than the other way around. Other research, however, suggests that certain practices can indeed allow us to be causal in the longevity of romance.

Love researcher John Gottman has identified three key practices in long-term relationships that predict intense love down the road:

1) respond to bids for connection rather than tuning them out,

2) give your partner your full attention, and

3) be curious about one’s partner and open to learning something new about them.

These practices will look familiar to CCC members. When one couple coaches another, they look for opportunities to promote and support such practices — responsiveness to each other’s needs, deep, mindful listening, and exploration. Coaches often give tailored homework assignments to deepen and sustain the practices. Gottman’s findings make sense of O’Leary’s study as the practices Gottman outlines lead naturally to the factors highly correlated with O’Leary’s “very intensely in love” study subjects.

If romance is a fire, then it must be tended and fed. According to Gottman, what kills relationships has less to do with conflict than with neglect and a lack of investment in the relationship. Of course, we need to tend to a breakdown, an event that threatens our fire, but we also need to feed our fire by celebrating the positive in our partners and acknowledging when things are going great. This is the fuel that can keep our embers glowing through those other more difficult moments.

Psychologist Shelly Gable notes the importance of turning toward one’s partner and giving full attention to their successes and good news. In a study involving dating couples, she and her colleagues at UCLA found that the degree to which partners respond with active and constructive enthusiasm and curiosity when a partner shares good news is a strong predictor of future relationship health.

An active-constructive response to a partner’s excitement would involve:

1) an expression of enthusiasm: “Wow, great news!”

2) an acknowledgement of the traits in the partner that contributed to the good news: “I know how hard you’ve been working. You deserve this.”

3) and curiosity to hear more about it: “How does it feel?”

Gable’s format and intent is similar to that of a CCC acknowledgment.

Gable found that negative emotional experiences are given disproportionate focus, which can lead to a failure to notice the importance of satisfying, positive experiences that afford stability. The CCC declaration process and other exercises help us to remain present to the glow of positive emotions that is so vital to our relationships.

When tending a romantic couple fire, research shows that having another couple tending their own fire along with you is helpful. A study of 400 individuals that investigates this phenomenon of couple friendships by Geoffrey Grief and Kathleen Holtz Deal of the University of Maryland is detailed in their book, Two Plus Two.

They found that in all life stages, having healthy couple friendships make a marriage or partnership happier, more fulfilling, and more exciting in several ways. The couple friendships allow partners to observe how other couples interact and negotiate differences, they provide a greater understanding of men and women in general, and they even increase partners’ attraction to each other.

Clearly, the Couples Coaching Couples model is aligned with these findings. Apparently, it takes a village, or a CCC circle, to help each other tend the fire of love and romance. Let’s feed the spark and share it with the world!

[Note: For tips on being curious about one’s partner, a practice espoused by both Gottman and Gable, see the synopsis of the four workshops of last summer’s CCC Convention found in the November 2023 edition of this newsletter.]

References

Gable, S.L., Gonzaga, G.C., Strachman A. 2006. “Will you be there for me when things go right? Supportive responses to positive event disclosures.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 91 (5): 904-917.

Gottman, J. and Silver, N. 2012. What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon and Schuster.

Grief, G.L. and Deal. K.H. 2012. Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

O’Leary, K. D., Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Huddy, L., and Mashek, D. 2012. “Is Long-Term Love More Than a Rare Phenomenon? If So, What Are Its Correlates?” Social Psychological and Personality Science, 3(2), 241-249.